We live in a culture that is absolutely obsessed with sex. It's in our movies, our music, our advertising, our social media feeds. The message is everywhere: if you're having great sex all the time, you're winning at life. And if you're not? Well, something must be wrong with you.
I want to push back on that narrative today because I think it does real damage to real people. The truth is, you don't always need to have sex to be happy, fulfilled, or living a good life. And I think more of us need to say that out loud.
The Pressure to Be "On" All the Time
There's this unspoken expectation — especially in relationships — that you should always want sex. That a healthy couple has sex a certain number of times per week. That if your libido dips, something is broken. But here's what I've learned both from research and from talking to thousands of people: desire fluctuates. It's not a constant. It ebbs and flows with stress, health, age, emotional state, and about a hundred other factors.
Some people go through periods where sex just isn't a priority, and that's completely normal. It doesn't mean your relationship is failing. It doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're human.
Asexuality Is Valid and Beautiful
While we're on this topic, I want to talk about the asexual community. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and for some people, the experience of little to no sexual attraction is simply who they are. It's not a phase, it's not a disorder, and it's definitely not something that needs to be fixed.
Asexual people form deep, meaningful, loving relationships. They experience intimacy in ways that don't revolve around sex — through emotional closeness, physical affection like cuddling and hand-holding, shared experiences, and genuine partnership. The idea that a relationship without sex is somehow incomplete says more about our cultural biases than it does about any individual's experience.
Low Libido Doesn't Mean Low Worth
If you're someone who goes through stretches of low libido, I want you to hear this: there is nothing wrong with you. Low sex drive can be influenced by so many things — medication, hormonal changes, mental health, sleep quality, relationship dynamics, body image. It's one of the most common concerns I hear about, and it's surrounded by so much unnecessary shame.
The shame usually comes from comparison. We compare ourselves to what we see on screen, to what friends joke about over drinks, to what social media portrays as normal. But "normal" is an incredibly wide range when it comes to sex. Some people want it every day. Some people are happy with once a month. Some people don't want it at all. All of those are valid.
What Actually Makes People Happy
When researchers study what contributes most to lasting happiness, sex does appear on the list — but it's far from the top. The things that consistently rank highest are quality relationships, a sense of purpose, physical health, community, and feeling connected to something bigger than yourself. Sex can be a wonderful part of a fulfilling life, but it is not the foundation. And treating it as the foundation puts an enormous amount of pressure on something that should feel like play, not performance.
I've talked to people in long-term relationships who barely have sex anymore and describe themselves as deeply happy. I've also talked to people having tons of sex who feel empty and disconnected. The quantity of sex someone is having tells you almost nothing about the quality of their life or their relationship.
Redefining Intimacy on Your Own Terms
What I really want to encourage is for you to define intimacy and connection on your own terms. Maybe for you, intimacy is a long conversation that lasts until 2 AM. Maybe it's cooking dinner together. Maybe it's sitting in comfortable silence. Maybe it does include sex, and that's wonderful too. The point is that you get to decide what makes you feel close, connected, and fulfilled.
Stop letting other people's metrics define your happiness. Stop letting culture tell you that you're not enough because you don't match some arbitrary standard of sexual frequency. You are whole, exactly as you are, regardless of what's happening or not happening in your bedroom.
I dive deeper into this topic in the video below, including some of the science behind desire and what actually contributes to relationship satisfaction. Watch it if you want the full conversation.
