I never used to read books about sex. Honestly, I didn't think I needed to. I figured sex was something you learned by doing, not something you studied. But then I picked up my first book on the topic, and it genuinely shifted the way I thought about my own body, my relationships, and what intimacy could actually look like. Now I'm that person who recommends sex books to everyone. No shame.
The thing is, most of us received terrible sex education growing up — if we received any at all. We were taught the biology, maybe some scare tactics about STIs and pregnancy, and then left to figure out the rest on our own. Books are one of the best ways to fill in those gaps, especially when it comes to subjects like pleasure, communication, desire, and non-traditional relationship structures.
Books Teach You a New Language for Desire
One of the things I love most about reading books on sexuality is that they give you vocabulary. Before I started reading, I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling or wanting. I'd have these vague, unnamed desires or frustrations, and I couldn't communicate them to my partner because I literally didn't have the language for it.
Books about desire, arousal, and sexual response taught me concepts that I now use almost daily in my relationship. Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, for example, completely changed how Gab and I approach intimacy. Suddenly, things that used to feel like problems just felt like differences — differences that we could work with once we understood them.
Open Relationship Books Aren't Just for Non-Monogamous People
This is something I say all the time, and I really mean it: you don't have to be in an open relationship to benefit from reading about ethical non-monogamy. These books are fundamentally about communication, boundaries, jealousy management, and emotional intelligence. Those skills are valuable in every single relationship, regardless of its structure.
Reading about open relationships forced me to examine my own assumptions about love, commitment, and what I thought a partnership "should" look like. Even if you read these books and come away more certain than ever that monogamy is for you, you'll still gain tools for having better, more honest conversations with your partner. And that alone makes the reading worthwhile.
Some of the topics these books cover include:
- Setting boundaries — learning to identify and articulate what you're comfortable with
- Processing jealousy — understanding it as information rather than something to fear
- Negotiating needs — how to advocate for yourself while staying attuned to your partner
- Compersion — the concept of finding joy in your partner's joy
- Deconstructing relationship norms — questioning what you've been taught about how love is "supposed to" work
Where to Start If You're New to This
If you've never read a sex or relationship book before, the idea might feel intimidating. But there are so many approachable, well-written options out there now. You don't need to start with a dense academic text. There are books written in the same conversational, judgment-free tone that I try to bring to my videos.
I recommend starting with whatever topic feels most relevant to you right now. If you're struggling with desire discrepancy in your relationship, pick up a book about arousal and desire. If you're curious about non-monogamy, there are excellent introductory guides. If you want to understand your own body better, there are books that break down sexual anatomy and response in ways that are genuinely empowering.
The point isn't to read everything. It's to find the book that speaks to where you are right now and let it expand your perspective. One good book can open a door you didn't even know was there.
Reading Together Can Be a Bonding Experience
One of my favorite things to do with Gab is read the same book and then talk about it. It creates this shared context for conversations that might otherwise feel awkward or difficult. Instead of one person bringing up a sensitive topic out of nowhere, you can say, "Hey, you know that chapter we just read? What did you think about that?"
It also ensures that both people are getting the same information, which prevents the dynamic where one partner has all the knowledge and the other feels behind or uninformed. When you're learning together, you're growing together, and that's one of the most connecting things a couple can do.
Knowledge Is Empowerment
At the end of the day, reading about sex and relationships is an act of self-empowerment. It's saying, "I want to understand myself better. I want to understand my partner better. I want our intimate life to be as fulfilling as possible." That's not something to be embarrassed about. That's something to be proud of.
In my video, I share some of my all-time favorite books on sex, open relationships, and intimacy, along with what each one taught me. If you're looking for a place to start your reading journey, that's a great spot. And if you've already read a great sex book, come tell me about it in the comments — I'm always looking for my next read.
