One of the most common questions I get on my channel is some version of: "I know I am interested in non-monogamy, but I have no idea what kind." And honestly, that makes total sense. The umbrella of ethical non-monogamy covers a huge range of relationship styles, and they can look wildly different from each other. So let me walk you through the main ones, because understanding the distinctions can help you figure out what actually resonates with you — if any of them do.
Monogamish: The Toe-Dip
This term was popularized by Dan Savage, and it describes couples who are fundamentally monogamous but have a little bit of flexibility built in. Maybe that means flirting is okay. Maybe it means they occasionally bring in a third person for a specific experience. Maybe it means that when one partner travels for work, there is a "hall pass" arrangement.
The key feature of monogamish relationships is that the couple remains the center of everything. There is a primary commitment, and any outside interactions are typically occasional, boundaried, and often purely physical. For a lot of people, this feels like a comfortable middle ground — a way to acknowledge that attraction to other people is normal without fully restructuring their relationship.
Swinging: The Social Scene
Swinging is probably the most well-known form of non-monogamy, and it is also one of the most misunderstood. At its core, swinging involves couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, usually in a social or event-based setting. Think lifestyle clubs, house parties, or organized meetups.
What makes swinging distinct is that it tends to prioritize the physical over the emotional. Most swingers draw a clear line between recreational sex and romantic connection. The couple is the unit, and the outside experiences are shared adventures — something they do together, not apart. Communication and rules tend to be very explicit in the swinging community, which is actually one of its strengths.
Polyamory: Multiple Loves
Polyamory literally means "many loves," and it refers to the practice of having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Unlike swinging, polyamory explicitly includes emotional connection — you are not just sleeping with other people, you are building relationships with them.
Polyamory can take many forms. Some people practice hierarchical polyamory, where there is a primary partner and secondary partners. Others practice non-hierarchical polyamory, where all relationships are given equal weight and importance. Some people have a closed polycule — a defined group of partners who are only involved with each other. Others keep things more open-ended.
The thing that surprises most people about polyamory is how much communication it requires. You are essentially managing multiple relationships simultaneously, each with its own needs, boundaries, and dynamics. It is not the easy route — it is actually a lot of emotional work.
Relationship Anarchy and Other Models
Beyond these three main categories, there are other approaches worth knowing about. Relationship anarchy, for instance, rejects the idea that romantic relationships should automatically be prioritized over friendships or other connections. Relationship anarchists tend to resist labels and hierarchies altogether, letting each connection define itself organically.
There is also the concept of an open relationship, which is a broad term for any arrangement where partners agree that some form of outside sexual or romantic activity is permitted. It is an umbrella that can encompass elements of swinging, polyamory, or something entirely custom to the couple.
How to Figure Out What Works for You
If you are curious about any of these structures, the most important first step is honest self-reflection. Ask yourself what you are actually looking for. Is it sexual variety? Emotional depth with multiple people? A shared adventure with your partner? Freedom from traditional expectations? Your answer will point you in very different directions.
Then, talk to your partner. And I mean really talk — not a passing comment over dinner, but a dedicated, vulnerable conversation about desires, fears, and boundaries. The couples who navigate non-monogamy most successfully are the ones who communicate almost to a fault. They over-communicate. They check in constantly. They renegotiate as things evolve.
And if you decide that none of these models appeal to you? That is completely valid too. Monogamy is a beautiful and fulfilling choice when it is chosen consciously rather than assumed by default. The whole point of understanding these different structures is to make an informed choice about what works for your life and your relationships.
I dive much deeper into each of these in my video, including some of the practical challenges and surprises that come with each model. If this topic sparked your curiosity, I think you will really enjoy the full conversation.
