If you've ever tried messaging someone on a threesome dating app, you know how tricky that first message can be. The stakes feel higher than regular dating because you're navigating multiple people's comfort levels, you're approaching a sensitive topic, and the pool of people who are genuinely open to this is smaller than on mainstream apps. A great first message can open a door. A bad one slams it shut permanently.
Gab and I have been on both sides of this equation — we've sent first messages, and we've received them. Based on that experience, I have some strong opinions about what works, what doesn't, and why most people are getting it wrong. Let me share what we've learned.
The Biggest Mistake People Make
The number one mistake is treating the first message like a sexual proposition rather than a human introduction. Just because someone is on a threesome dating platform doesn't mean they want to skip straight to explicit territory. They're still a person who wants to feel respected, seen, and valued. Leading with something overtly sexual signals that you view them as a means to an end rather than a person you'd actually like to connect with.
Think about it from the receiving end. Imagine getting dozens of messages that all say some variation of "hey, want to join us tonight?" or jump straight into describing what they want to do to you. It's exhausting and dehumanizing. The people who stand out are the ones who treat the conversation like a genuine human interaction first and a sexual negotiation later.
What a Good First Message Looks Like
A strong opening message does three things: it shows you've read their profile, it offers something genuine about yourself, and it invites further conversation. That's it. No pickup lines, no lengthy paragraphs about your sexual experience, no unsolicited details about your body or bedroom preferences. Just be a human being saying hello to another human being.
Reference something specific from their profile. Mention a shared interest, compliment something that isn't physical, or ask a thoughtful question about something they've written. This immediately sets you apart from the flood of generic messages they're receiving, because it shows you took the time to actually engage with who they are.
Practical Tips That Work
Based on our experience, here are some specific guidelines:
- Keep it concise — your first message should be 3-5 sentences. Long enough to show personality, short enough to respect their time
- Be specific — generic messages get generic responses (or no responses at all)
- Show personality — let your actual voice come through rather than trying to sound cool or seductive
- Ask a question — give them something easy to respond to
- Both partners should be involved — if you're messaging as a couple, make it clear that both people are present and interested
- Don't send photos immediately — let the conversation develop before exchanging images
What to Avoid
Just as important as knowing what to do is knowing what not to do. Avoid anything that could come across as presumptuous, entitled, or disrespectful. Some common pitfalls include messaging only from one partner's perspective (the third person wants to know they're wanted by both of you), being vague about what you're looking for, or pressuring for a quick meet-up before building any rapport.
Another thing to avoid is the "sales pitch" approach — listing your physical attributes, sexual skills, or bedroom accomplishments as if you're trying to close a deal. People aren't hiring contractors. They're looking for connection, chemistry, and someone they feel safe and excited to spend time with. Your first message should reflect that.
Patience Is Part of the Process
Finding the right match for a threesome takes time. Don't get discouraged if your first few messages don't get responses, or if conversations fizzle out. The people who are most successful in this space are the ones who approach it with patience, genuine curiosity about the people they're meeting, and a willingness to let things develop at a natural pace.
Remember: you're not just looking for someone willing to join you in bed. You're looking for someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, who feels comfortable with both of you, and whose boundaries and desires align with yours. That takes more than a clever opening line — it takes real conversation and real connection.
I share actual examples of first messages that worked well for us in the video, along with some that we received that were instant turn-offs. If you're navigating threesome dating apps, this one's for you. Check it out and let me know your own experiences in the comments.
