Dating as a couple is one of those things that sounds simple on paper but is wildly complex in practice. When my partner and I first started exploring open relationships and threesomes, I thought the hardest part would be finding people. Turns out, finding people is actually the easy part. The hard part is everything else — the communication, the emotional processing, the constant recalibration of boundaries, and the work of staying connected to each other while also connecting with someone new.
I want to share our honest experience because I think there's a lot of idealized content out there about open relationships and threesomes, and not enough about the messy, human reality of it all. So here's what it's actually like.
Deciding to Open Up
The decision to explore non-monogamy didn't happen overnight for us. It was the result of months of conversations, lots of reading, and a deep look at what we both actually wanted versus what we thought we were supposed to want. We had to dismantle some pretty ingrained beliefs about what a "good" relationship looks like before we could even consider it as an option.
What made us feel ready was the strength of our communication. We weren't opening our relationship because something was wrong — we were doing it because we were curious and we trusted each other enough to explore that curiosity together. That distinction matters. If you're opening a relationship to fix a problem, you're going to create more problems. The foundation has to be solid first.
The Reality of Dating Together
Here's something nobody tells you about dating as a couple: it takes about ten times more effort than dating as an individual. You're not just looking for someone who's compatible with one person. You're looking for someone who's compatible with both of you, who understands the dynamic, and who has the emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of being the third person in someone else's relationship.
We learned quickly that the traditional dating app approach doesn't work well for couples. Most mainstream apps aren't designed for partnered people, and the experience can be frustrating for everyone involved. We had much better luck with lifestyle-specific platforms and in-person events where people already understood what we were looking for.
Navigating Jealousy and Comparison
Even in the healthiest open relationships, jealousy shows up. It showed up for us. There were moments when one of us felt more connected to the new person, or when the attention felt unevenly distributed, or when insecurities bubbled up that we didn't even know we had. Those moments were uncomfortable, but they were also incredibly valuable because they forced us to communicate at a level of depth we hadn't reached before.
The key to handling jealousy, in my experience, is not trying to eliminate it. It's about acknowledging it, understanding where it's coming from, and talking about it openly. Jealousy is usually a signal — it's pointing to a need that isn't being met or a fear that hasn't been addressed. When you treat it as information rather than a problem, it becomes much more manageable.
Treating the Third Person as a Person
This is something I feel really strongly about. When couples start exploring threesomes, there's a tendency to treat the third person as an accessory to the couple's experience rather than a full human being with their own feelings, desires, and boundaries. This is sometimes called "unicorn hunting," and it's one of the most criticized aspects of couples entering the lifestyle space.
The third person is not a toy. They're not there to fulfill your fantasy while you ignore their needs. They have feelings that matter, preferences that deserve respect, and boundaries that are just as important as yours. If you approach threesomes or dating as a couple without centering the humanity of everyone involved, you're going to hurt people. Full stop.
What We've Learned
After exploring open relationships and threesomes together, here's what I can say with confidence: it has made our relationship stronger, but not in a straightforward way. It's made us stronger because it's forced us to grow — as communicators, as partners, and as individuals. It's pushed us to confront things about ourselves that we'd been avoiding. And it's taught us that love isn't a finite resource — that experiencing desire and connection with someone new doesn't take anything away from what we have together.
But it hasn't always been easy, and I'd be lying if I said every experience was positive. Some were awkward. Some were painful. Some taught us things about ourselves that we didn't particularly want to learn. And all of them required processing, communication, and a commitment to each other that went deeper than anything we'd experienced in a traditional relationship dynamic.
For the full story, including specific experiences and advice for couples considering this path, watch the video below.
