So you and your partner have talked about it. Maybe it came up casually, maybe it was a whole serious sit-down conversation, but either way, you're both on the same page: you want to explore having a threesome. Great. Now comes the part that nobody warns you about — actually finding the right person.
I get asked about this constantly, and I totally understand why. The fantasy is one thing, but the logistics? That's where most people get stuck. So let me share what I've learned from personal experience and from talking to hundreds of people in my community about what actually works.
Start With Your Own Relationship First
Before you even think about where to find a third person, you need to have a rock-solid foundation with your partner. And I mean really solid. Not "we don't fight very often" solid. I mean "we can talk about uncomfortable things without shutting down" solid. Because a threesome will bring up feelings you didn't anticipate, and you need to be able to process those together.
Sit down and talk about what you both want from the experience. Are you looking for something purely physical, or are you open to an emotional connection as well? What are your boundaries? What would make each of you feel jealous, and how would you handle that? These aren't buzzkill questions — they're the foundation that makes the experience enjoyable rather than devastating.
Where to Actually Look
This is the practical part everyone wants to know about. There are several approaches, and the right one depends on your comfort level and what kind of dynamic you're looking for.
- Dating apps — Apps like Feeld are specifically designed for people exploring non-traditional dynamics. You can set up a couples profile and be upfront about what you're looking for. Honesty from the start is key.
- Social events and meetups — Some cities have sex-positive communities, play parties, or social mixers where people who are open to these experiences gather in a low-pressure environment.
- Through your existing social circles — This one's tricky. Some people find their third through friends of friends or people they already have chemistry with. The benefit is built-in trust; the risk is potential awkwardness if things don't go well.
- Online communities — Reddit, forums, and other platforms have active communities where people connect. Just be cautious and vet people carefully.
How to Approach People Respectfully
This is where so many couples go wrong, and it's a big reason why single people — especially women — can be wary of couples looking for a third. Nobody wants to feel like an accessory to someone else's fantasy. The person you're inviting in is a whole human being with their own desires, boundaries, and feelings.
Lead with respect. Be upfront about who you are, what you're looking for, and what the dynamic would look like. Don't be vague or misleading. Don't pretend to be looking for something casual and then spring the "oh, by the way, my partner will be joining us" surprise on someone. That's a fast way to lose trust and hurt someone's feelings.
Also, and I can't stress this enough, take no for an answer gracefully. Not everyone will be interested, and that's completely fine. Pressuring someone or trying to convince them after they've said no is not okay. Ever.
Patience Is Your Best Friend
Here's the reality that nobody likes to hear: finding the right threesome partner takes time. It's not like ordering something online. You're looking for a real person who is attracted to both of you, comfortable with the dynamic, and whose boundaries align with yours. That's a specific set of criteria, and it might take weeks or even months to find the right fit.
Don't rush it. Don't settle for someone who doesn't feel right just because you're impatient. The experience will be a thousand times better if everyone involved is genuinely enthusiastic and comfortable. A mediocre threesome with the wrong person can actually do more harm than good to your relationship, so it's worth being selective.
After You Find Someone
Once you've connected with someone who feels like a good match, the conversation doesn't stop. In fact, it deepens. You'll want to discuss logistics, boundaries, safer sex practices, and what happens afterward. Will you see this person again? Will you stay in touch? What if one of you develops feelings?
I know it sounds like a lot of talking for something that's supposed to be fun and spontaneous. But trust me, the couples who have the best threesome experiences are the ones who communicate the most — with each other and with their third. The talking is part of the fun. It builds anticipation, trust, and excitement.
I go way deeper into all of this in my video, including some specific tips and stories from my own experience. If you're seriously considering this, give it a watch.
