Mutual masturbation is one of those things that gets completely overlooked in conversations about intimacy, and I think that is a real shame. Because when you strip away all the performance expectations and goal-oriented thinking that tends to dominate our idea of sex, what you are left with is two people being completely vulnerable and honest about their pleasure with each other. And that is incredibly intimate.
What I love about mutual masturbation is that it removes so many of the pressures that come with other forms of sexual activity. There is no performance to worry about. Nobody needs to "last" a certain amount of time. Each person is in control of their own stimulation, which means each person is far more likely to actually enjoy themselves. And you get to watch your partner experience pleasure in the most authentic way possible — the way they would when they are alone, but with you right there.
Why This Deserves More Attention
For a lot of couples, mutual masturbation is an afterthought or something they only do when penetrative sex is off the table for some reason. But I would argue it deserves to be a regular part of your intimate repertoire for several reasons.
First, it is an incredible communication tool. Watching how your partner touches themselves teaches you more about their preferences than any conversation ever could. You get to see exactly where they touch, how much pressure they use, what rhythm works for them, and what gets them to the edge. This is essentially a masterclass in your partner's body, delivered in real time.
Second, it normalizes self-pleasure within the relationship. Many people feel awkward about masturbation even when they are in a partnership, as if touching yourself somehow competes with your partner. Practicing mutual masturbation breaks down that false barrier and establishes that self-pleasure and partnered pleasure are not in opposition — they are part of the same continuum.
Face-to-Face Positions
Sitting facing each other is probably the most classic position for mutual masturbation, and there is a reason for that. Eye contact during self-pleasure is incredibly vulnerable and deeply connecting. You can sit cross-legged facing each other on the bed, or one of you can sit against the headboard while the other sits between their legs facing them.
The beauty of face-to-face positions is that they allow for maximum visual connection. You can watch each other's expressions, maintain eye contact, and communicate with looks and sounds in a way that feels deeply personal. If eye contact feels too intense at first, start with your eyes closed and open them gradually as you become more comfortable.
Side-by-Side Positions
Lying next to each other takes some of the intensity out of the face-to-face approach and creates a more relaxed dynamic. You can lie on your backs with your shoulders touching, or you can turn slightly toward each other. This position works particularly well if one or both of you prefers to close your eyes during self-pleasure, as there is less pressure around eye contact.
Side-by-side positions also make it easy to add touch. You can hold hands, stroke each other's arms or thighs, or lean in for kisses while each of you continues your own stimulation. That combination of self-directed pleasure and partner-directed affection creates a uniquely layered experience.
The Show-and-Tell Position
In this setup, one partner reclines comfortably while the other sits or kneels at a slight distance to watch. This works beautifully as a learning experience — the watching partner can ask questions, make requests, and pay close attention to technique. It is also inherently erotic to have someone watching you with focused, appreciative attention.
This position is especially useful for couples who want to better understand each other's bodies. You can take turns being the one who demonstrates, narrating what you are doing and why it feels good. It sounds clinical when I describe it like that, but in practice it is anything but — it is vulnerable, hot, and surprisingly fun.
Making It Part of Your Routine
The biggest barrier to mutual masturbation is the same barrier that exists for most forms of sexual exploration: awkwardness. The first time you try it, it might feel weird. You might feel self-conscious. You might giggle nervously. And that is completely fine. Like anything new, it gets more comfortable with practice, and the awkwardness usually melts away once you realize how good it feels to be that open with someone you trust.
Start by simply touching yourselves during foreplay or alongside other sexual activities. Once that feels natural, try making it the main event. Set the mood the way you would for any intimate experience — lighting, music, comfort — and give yourselves permission to explore at your own pace.
I cover specific positions and techniques in much more detail in my video, with visual explanations that make everything clearer. If this topic interested you, definitely check it out.
